So, I don’t generally whine. Mostly because I don’t feel that it often does anything. Other than annoy people, I guess. Sometimes, however, I think that a good whine-fest can be helpful. Wholesome. Cathartic. Certainly for the whiner – if not for the whine-ee. And since my concept of this blog has often been like a bottle cast into the brine (or maybe a magic diary that talks back every once in a while) I feel very comfortable pulling up a chair and unloading a whole great torrent of whine onto the ever-sympathetic ears of the internets. (Yes, I’d love some cheese with my whine. Lately I’m really into chevre with figs – if anyone’s asking.)
But, some preamble before the whining commences. I’ve often felt a little inadequate when compared to my co-guild leader, Adi. She’s more patient, much calmer, nicer, friendlier, harder working, more dedicated to the guild and (from my observations) much better liked than I am. I’m mostly (mostly) okay with that. I know how I come across to people and I know I’m abrasive and bitchy and demanding and cold and I’m mostly okay with that. Most of the time I’m just fine with who I am and how I contribute to the guild.
But, every now and then …
I wish I could be more like Adi. I wish I was calmer. Nicer. I certainly wish I was better liked some days. I wish that I didn’t feel so inadequate compared to her. I wish I had the motivation to work as hard for the guild as she does. I wish I had the patience that she shows towards people. (God, I wish I had that kind of patience). There are days that I wish I could be the carrot like her, instead of the stick.
I keep a little Imaginary Adi in the back of my head. (Kind of like this. Only not really.) And not just in game, either. I’ve found that the advice my Imaginary Adi gives me is pretty damn applicable to my work and family lives as well. When I feel the urge to reach out and slap someone till their eyeballs switch places, I (usually!) stop and ask my Imaginary Adi what she would do instead. One of her best pieces of advice has been to “kill people with kindness” and I’ve found more than my share of situations to apply that advice to.
And now, the whine.
I just finished leveling my dorfadin. I’ve specced her tank, which means that I’m able to fill three out of four raid roles now! (Heals? Check! Ranged dps? Check! Meat shield? Check! Melee dps? Errr … I’ll get back to you.) I was really thrilled to be working on her, and the excitement of leveling and gearing a new 80 has been a large part of what has drawn me back into Warcraft wholeheartedly. I spent a load of money on craftable gear and maxed out her Engineering to get myself a Jeeves. I even cajoled a few of my guildies into letting me tank easy heroics like UK and VH and – on the whole – those runs weren’t unmitigated disasters. Tanking is a huge panic-y, button mash-tastic flail for me right now, but I do sort of enjoy it. I was really looking forward to tanking more.
I had my alt guilded so that I could keep one eye and one ear on what was going on in the guild. I could respond to questions, keep a weather eye on the drift of gchat and switch to my main if anyone needed me for anything. I like to have alts that are hidden if I need some space, but if I’m going to be dedicating a large part of my time to one alt, then I usually guild it so I’m not gone too much. Unbeknownst to me, my co-guild leader was leveling an alt as well. She’s been suffering much the same burnout, so she kept her alt unguilded so that she could get some respite from guild demands and just enjoy the game. I have absolutely no quibble with that. What does make me want to have a pouty fit (or at least write down a pouty fit) is that she leveled a paladin. And specced it prot. And she dinged 80 the same day I did.
I’m seriously bummed about this, you guys. I’m really feeling like my thunder was not only stolen but that I’m being taunted by the thunder-nappers. I know she didn’t do it on purpose, but I kind of feel blindsided by the fact that she knew what I was doing (class, spec) and I had no idea what she was doing. And then adding insult to injury is that I feel like because the guild likes her so much better, that she is the one who is going to receive the bulk of the indulgence that the guild has for new alts. She’s going to be the one everyone will take to heroics and help her gear. She’s going to get the alt Naxx runs and she’s going to get all the patience and tolerance and good will of the guild. And I feel like there will be nothing left for me.
I was so, so enthused to level this little dwarf and so, so excited to try my hand at tanking. And now I feel like the wind has been taken out of my sails. I’m really dejected about the whole thing. I haven’t logged on my little dwarf since. What the hell is the point?
I know she didn’t do it on purpose to be malicious. I know that it’s just some alts (both of us have three other toons we play regularily). I know that it doesn’t mean squat in the grand scheme of things – in game or in my life all told. But I am really quite sad about it. I feel like this is just another way that I will come second to Adi, and I know that there isn’t really a lot that I can do about it. I can keep on accepting that Adi and I are different people, with different strengths and weaknesses, and I will. I can work on some other alt and maybe that will take my mind off things. I don’t want to mention it to her, because I don’t want to make her feel bad and I can’t think of any way to tell her that wouldn’t make me sound like a petulant child. And I definitely don’t want her to give up her alt. But I don’t really know what to do.
*sighs and kicks at the dirt with her toe*