Hanging Up the Halo

So, my priest is officially my alt now.

I waffled back and forth over the issue for the better part of a week. I was very stressed about the decision and have been stomping around the house in a state of great agitation while I weighed out the pros and cons of the choice. I always had the same thought running as a mantra in the back of my skull as each point and counterpoint of arguement vyed for attention: “is this what is best for the guild?”

Is it? Is it really?

I need a break from healing. The guild needs healers.
I want to play my hunter more than anything. I like playing my healer.
I’m a very good healer. Am I a good enough hunter?
We the officers keep telling people to play what they want to play and how they want to play. Do I get to do what I want, too?
Can I live with the guilt of knowing I’m leaving my healer and dpsing when my co-leader wants to do that too but isn’t?
What will my officers say? What will the guild say? And what will they think but not say?

I don’t know if it was just my inner turmoil or if I really was getting the cold shoulder from my officers for the first week. The first week while I logged the priest on maybe twice, and had brought the hunter to level 74. And maybe it is still my inner turmoil that is making me feel like I’m getting a frosty reception from the guild at large these days.

Am I wrong to want to have fun? Am I making up flimsy justifcations for doing what I selfishly want rather than what I should be doing as a responsible Guild Leader?

I’ve QQ’d at length to a few folks that I thought would listen, and been told the same sorts of things by each of them:
“You’re the Guild Leader, you do what you want.”
“Play what you want to play, it’s a game. You’re supposed to be having fun.”
“You can always recruit more healers.”

And my responses are always the same:
“I’m the Guild Leader. I have a responsibility to the guild before myself.”
“I have fun healing, I really do.”
“Oh? If it’s that easy, you do it.”

Now this is why I love my co-guild leader so much. She finally came to me and asked me if I was upset with her. I just about started crying. I told her that I was so worried she was upset with me and I had been sort of avoiding her because I didn’t want to make her more upset. It sounds very silly (not tomention very girly) but I think it’s a prime example of why our leadership works so well. We care about each other very, very deeply. She told me to just play my hunter and enjoy it and it was like the hand of God coming down on my soul. It was such a relief to hear it from her and for the next few days I gloried in my hunter.

Over the past few days, though, I’ve heard some grumblings from the guild that there aren’t enough healers and there won’t be enough to raid with. As well, there have been a few very pointed comments about me not being on my priest. So I made a post on our forums today and officially told everyone I will be hanging up the healing wings, at least for a little while.

I’ve seen that a few other Guild Leaders have decided to change classes and I’ve taken heart from that as well. I’ve realized that we have no officers who play dps roles, and our dps really needs some leadership. I need a change to keep the game exciting and fun and fresh for me. I want to try raiding from a different standpoint, I want to try leading from a different standpoint.

And if it doesn’t work, well I can only hope that my pride isn’t so much I can’t polish up the halo and put it back on, dents and all.


My nature abhorrs a vaccuum

So this morning it was awfully hard to get out of bed. It’s getting near the end of this project and we’re all working very hard to get it done and get out of here before the snow really starts to fly. It’s beginning to exhaust me and this morning was one of those days when I lay there in bed and ask myself “Why? Why am I here? Why am I working so hard in such shitty conditions? Is this really worth it? Is this really why I went to university for 8 years? To do this?”

Questioning my motivations for oozing out of bed well before the sun shows its face every morning and driving off to work for 12 hours in a great big smelly tar pit is one thing, but over in the fun and friendly world of Blog Azeroth one of the suggested shared topics was about why we each chose the class we did. Which served as a nice way for me to think about something else for the morning. So I started contemplating my main and I realized that it’s something I ask myself a lot these days. When I head over to the forums and see a flood of complaints about the beta, when I log on and try to get some PvP done and spend more than 90% of the time waiting for the rez timer at the graveyard, and of course everytime my tree healer co-guild leader outheals me in one of our raids (it happens more than I care to admit ..) I find myself asking:

    Why did I become a priest healer?

Now I can answer that in a single sentance: “because my guild needed heals”. And I could also add a nice sarcastic “durr” to to the end of the sentance and be done with it, but that doesn’t make for interesting blogging, now does it?

I rolled my priest way back in the days of vanilla WoW when the prevailing wisdom was that priests were the healers. If healing was what your goal was, priest was what you rolled. And I’ve always enjoyed that ‘classic’ feeling to my character. No one expected me to tank, or dps, or do anything but stand in the back and cast shiny yellow spells. I found myself very quickly being in demand and I loved that. I don’t roleplay as much as I used to, but I really enjoy my priest when I do. She has such an interesting character and I think that compared to my hunter and my druid, whom I’ve also built roleplay characters for, she’s the most fun. Last week over at Blogatelle they did a series on Priest roleplay and I found that it encouraged me to get back into my character. She is just such a thrill to play, and I found myself asking not “Why am I doing this, again?” but “Why did I ever stop?”

I also love being so damn useful. It feels good to be the backbone of a group, feels amazing to know that the safety of the raid depends on my quick thinking and sharp reflexes. I just live for those moments when I blow all my trinkets and cooldowns and power up an enormous, fast heal that hits the tank at just the right moment, saving the day and earning me a few whispered thanks. I love healing, and I really love priest healing.

And what about my original question? Why in the hell did I let myself get sent up to the far north, to work on a badly run project for a mildly insane client in a terrible conditions? Again, there is a simple answer that both tells the whole story and says nothing at all. “Because geologists were needed here.” I find myself wanting to be wanted, needing to be needed. I like being useful, I like filling in the gaps, I like being the solution the to problem.

What I don’t always plan on is how much fun I’m going to have. I can’t say that I love working up here at the mine, but I’ve had some pretty damn good times up here this summer. It’s been an experience, all the way around, and even for all the hardships its put me and my loved ones through, I’m very glad I accepted this project. And the very samething goes for my priest. I don’t always like my class, and I really don’t like when the tree healers do their little tree dance around me and laugh when they beat me on the healing meters (/grumble) but I love healing, and the fun that I get from playing my priest far outweighs the mass of QQ on the forums, the supercilious trees and every time some tauren warrior has eaten my face off 0.25 seconds into a battleground. I’m fillling an important role, and I’m having a complete blast.

I’m also looking damn good while doing it, which is more than I can say for geology. Anyone know how to get diesel stains out?